this is why you should always wash behind your ears
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opening a flower shop called women in stem
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
i love modern commerce
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.