this is why you should always wash behind your ears
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*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…