This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
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CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Hawk o the mornin tuah