This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
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The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Whoa 😂
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie