This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
You Might Also Like
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Happy Friday
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone