This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
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I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
*bites zombie*
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.