“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
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It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?