Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

The fall of Netflix

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

Lucky old June.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’