“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
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Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation