Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

This is always good for a laugh.

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit