“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
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Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p