Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

One venti cheeseburger please.

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.