This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
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My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
This a good idea
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Maths meets science
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.