This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
You Might Also Like
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Best table by far
