Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?

All you can yeet.

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.