This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
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CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.