This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
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ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.