Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

😆

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both