Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.