This is your Captain speaking. Passengers with a view previously obscured by the wings may have noticed a sudden improvement
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Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.