Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.