Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

😂 amazing answer

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

Breaking news:

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”