this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
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see next tweet for some translations
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry