this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
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Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
checking out some reviews of my local library
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
