This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
inside you are two wolves
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
