This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
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Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
😬
Risking my life for fun.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
KFC hitting the cannibal market
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice