This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
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I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?