This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
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If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I love it all
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark