This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
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:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
honey, bring out the fine china.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
decorating my apartment
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.