“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
You Might Also Like
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.