“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
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HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook