20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
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I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Happy Taco Tuesday
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!