This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
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My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
there’s music for literally every activity
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
me hooking up with my ex
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.