this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
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I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
That’s amazing.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I got woken up this morning by the bin men. They were telling me to get out of the bin.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.