Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

Free him

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog