this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
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Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
biblically accurate fire hydrant
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams