this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
You Might Also Like
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Brands during Pride
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?