This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
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when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!