This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
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♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people