This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
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You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
me after drinking all the wine:
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
