This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
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Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
