Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.