Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-

*BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

Stooooppp!!! 😂😂

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?

Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you