This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
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no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.