No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
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What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.