“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
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Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Our lord and savoury.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.