“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
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#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
being a writer on Twitter:
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.