this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
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Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
This squirrel eats better than I do
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver