this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
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Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.