this isn’t threatening at all
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In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.