this isn’t threatening at all
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I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.