“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
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I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting