“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
You Might Also Like
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Finally, an instrument I can play!
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.