“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
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My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”