This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
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Spider-cat: No One Home
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?