This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
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[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
😜
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig