This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
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scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.