Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.