This January has 47 Mondays
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If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
584.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?