This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
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I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.