This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
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My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.