This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
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There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Guilty! 🤪
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ