this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
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Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.