Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth

EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*

ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

☠️ ☠️

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions