this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
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Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone