I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
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IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
shampoo implies shampee
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Sign of the day..
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.