This joke is 7 years old
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Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Festive toon…
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Good morning.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
mandolin: finally a violin for men
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.