This joke is 7 years old
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The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
When you’re Kinky but poor
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
#milo
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.