This joke is 7 years old
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If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
This is why I hate group projects
There’s no “us” in nachos.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan