“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
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Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Jogging
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow