“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
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Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Spring of Deception
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”