“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
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4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…