this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
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My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Name another movie that mislead you?
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”