this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
You Might Also Like
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Sharon I have some bad news
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.