Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
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the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
British websites use biscuits.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
screw you
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok