This keeps happening. How heavy are cats?

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Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.


me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else


“Why haven’t you been answering my pigeons?” – 17th century sext


Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?

Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.


Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!


The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?


People who don’t know how to merge onto the highway, there’s a bus pass for that.


[inventor of public restrooms]

What if people were close enough to hold hands while they poop?


The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.