Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
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Him: What’s your sign?
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
“Why haven’t you been answering my pigeons?” – 17th century sext
Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?
Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
People who don’t know how to merge onto the highway, there’s a bus pass for that.
[inventor of public restrooms]
What if people were close enough to hold hands while they poop?
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.