This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
You Might Also Like
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
i really liked this one
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…