Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

Cats are still liquid.

Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.

Doctors texting each other.

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what